It's been years since I last updated. But I'm going to pretend like it was just yesterday. I don't understand life sometimes. It has so many ups and down. So many highs and lows. I guess that is what makes it so beautiful. But right now, it doesn't feel beautiful. It feels unfair. And sad. And almost not worth it.
Within the past two years my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, the boy that I fell in love with left me, my best friend abandoned me, another unhealthy relationship with a boy, and just last week my Dad was diagnosed with cancer. Yes there were great moments as well. New friends, lots of laughter, and a feeling of contentment and accomplishment after working through life's problems, and let's not forget lots and lots of hockey. (My new joy in life!)
Looking back on the past two years I have learned two things in particular.
1. Pain and heartache change you.
2. Life goes on.
There is no doubt in my mind that I am a different person than I was two years ago. In so many ways. I was wild, and free, and naive. I still have the same silly disposition about myself, but deep down my heart has changed. It's broken, its cried, its laughed, it's tried to reassemble itself. My faith has been questioned on levels I have never experienced before. I don't understand why an all loving God would allow such heartache and pain. Yet, every time I try to walk away from Him, and swear him off, I can't. He follows me.
I used to be so full of hope. So confident in God's plan for my life. Now, I question if there really is one. If I were to die tomorrow, what would my life echo? Joy? Redemption? ...Heartache? Hopelessness? I can't help but think that there has to be more to this life than all of this. I get into this funk thinking that I have experienced everything I will experience. Where is God is all of this? WHERE ARE YOU?
I sit back and see all of my friends and their lives. I know the saying "comparison is the opposite of contentment." However, it's hard to not compare when your life seems so insignificant at the moment. I long for love. For a second first chance at true love. He's placed the desire within me. I miss the friendships I used to have. The deep connections that I once had. However, friendships have been difficult for me after experiencing the betrayal and intentional hurt I have from certain people who have claimed to be my friends.
Pain and heartache change you.
Life goes on.
All I can hope is that this summer, although not the summer I planned, will somehow turn out to be the best thing that's ever happened to me. A story of redemption and hope. Of finding love in places I've dismissed as dead. The spirit within me holds onto this hope that this summer will be used for the good of me.
