Midnight Thoughts

The past few weeks have flown by! I can't even begin to think about school. I just don't want to go back. I am SO PROUD of myself for finishing strong in my online class. B! 

Recently I've been following this Colorado shooting case against James Holmes. The whole thing makes me sad. I think we all react differently to tragedies such as these. Anger, frustration, hurt. These are all to be had. My heart hurts for those victims and their families. I can't even fathom what they must be going through or feeling. Senseless violence like this just leaves me with a question of... Why? Why did this happen? I start to become wrapped up in all of the discussions and deliberations. Unlike most people though, my heart also hurts for James Holmes and his family. I know this thought is unconventional in every way. In fact, I have seen people be persecuted for believing this very thing. Let me explain. 

The thought process that went into the planning of this murder was extreme. It was calculated and thought out. This means, that for months, this person's only thoughts were focused on killing others. For whatever reason he did this, I think there is no doubt that this person is broken inside. My heart hurts for him. How sad his life must be. How lonely he must have felt. We all have been at those points in our life when we hit rock bottom. When we feel that life is not worth living anymore. We've been there. I hate that he decided to hurt others in the process of expressing his pain. However, God is his ultimate judge, not us. I do not support the death penalty. I don't understand how we can condemn someone for killing 12 people and then suggest we commit the same crime in return. It's barbaric. I hope and pray that he finds hope and forgiveness in the Lord during his inevitably lifelong prison sentence. God is capable of rescuing each and every one of us. I know this because he has rescued me from my pit many times.

In other news...

THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! Who doesn't enjoy some good ole competition between countries. It inspires me to be a better person and get in shape. (This inspiration is usually lost after the games are over.) But, I love these games! 

Wut

Honestly I have no idea what I'm doing in life. A conversation with a good friend today helped confirm that I'm not the only one. However, sometimes it feels like I am.

Everyone's getting married and happily in relationships and I spend my time under a comfy blanket eating Nutella and watching Bones. I'm not a complete lost cause however, I do switch the channel over to hockey come October.

I have this sense that I have failed somewhere. I honestly have no direction anymore. The things that I was once passionate have become fading flickers of light. I miss that excitement. The almost overwhelming feeling of joy that came from thinking forward. My mind doesn't seem to know how to think that direction anymore.

I won't spend much time on my past since I've spent minutes and hours and days focused on it already. I seem to be stuck in the present. I'm almost afraid to move forward. I don't feel like I have anything left to look forward to. I've made some bad decisions the past few years. And while I've thought I successfully maneuvered my way through the consequences, I apparently am not done.

I keep hearing people say that God has a great plan for me. In fact, its my favorite verse in the Bible. A plan for hope and a future. I question where that hope is. I don't know where to go. My engine is stalled. But I know I hate the place I'm in.

Shameful habits that followed me rom my youth are still around. I'm out of shape. Not as excited as I used to be about life. And completely unmotivated to do anything. I should probably post that on a dating profile...

I guess I just need to take that leap of faith and put myself out there. Starting with finding an internship. I keep thinking that I'm not going to be good enough and no one will want me. This line of thought coincidently follows me into my dating life as well.

Oh Lord in heaven. Forgive me and place me on track again.

Barf

There are some thoughts that just make me cringe to think about. Graduating college. My future job. The unknowns. But then there are other thoughts that seem to break me every time I think about them. Most of them have to do with my past. 

There are some relationships that seemed like the end of the world when things weren't working out. However, because they were from so long ago, the pain of those relationships has simmered, and in some cases has even been forgotten. A gift to me indeed. 

I'm not out of the water yet though. The past two years have been hard for many reasons. I've had my extreme lows and high highs. Losing relationships and gaining new ones. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I feel when I think about certain things. I guess that's the whole point of blogging about it all right? It helps me to sort it all out. There are days when I feel so strong, so empowered as a woman for the strides that I've made in getting over and beginning to forget these relationships. Then there are other days, when the memories manifest into ugly thoughts about myself and those people. Today is one of those days. 

No matter how many times I remind myself of truth, I seem to lose it in a matter of minutes. I spend long portions of my days obsessing and thinking about things that these negative thoughts and energy spill into my dreams. You know, those dreams that feel so incredibly real and when you wake up you're even more upset about things. 

Well here are my thoughts today. Laying them bare in hopes of releasing them and moving on.

I miss being in a relationship. 

I miss the person that I used to know.

I miss the laughs. 

I miss the kisses. 

I miss the enchanting bliss of it all. 

I hate you for how you hurt me.

I hate that you cut me so deep. 

I hate that you slapped me around.

I hate that you used me. 

I hate that you used the word "love" when you don't even know what it is. 

I hate that you led me on.

I hate that you called me beautiful and with the same mouth called me fat.

I hate that you told me the only thing I was to you was a rebound. 

I hate that you put me down and made me feel like my existence wasn't worthwhile.

I hate all the times you hung up on me instead of mending things.

I hate that I still think about you every day. 

I hate that you are still dating the girl you started dating a week after we broke up. So hurtful.

I hate that I planned a life with you in my head while you were planning your escape. 

I hate how selfish you are. 

I hate that you crawled your way into my thoughts and destroyed my self worth.

I hate that you will always have a part of me that I can never get back.

I hate that I've been replaced.

I hate that you compared me to other girls.

I hate that I haven't heard from you at all. 

I hate that you blamed me for things that were clearly your fault.

I hate that you told people you had nothing in Bourbonnais.

I hate how my life feels empty.

I hate that your life is seemingly great without me. You don't deserve that.

I hate that ever since you left, I have been stuck.

...When do these thoughts go away? Everyday I fight with myself debating whether or not to contact him. It's been a year since we've been apart. God I feel like a junior higher with these thoughts. Nothing has ever cut me as deep as this has. Was I really a bad person? Do you really hate me that much that you had to hurt me the way that you did? 

I just don't understand. I've been the one doing the healing the healthy way. Not going from boy to boy to boy. How can you live your life like that? It's like you don't know who you are. Your identity comes from whatever girl you are with. 

You make me want to barf. Legit throw up. The thought of you murders my soul. You are not a man. I wish I could be far enough away from this that I didn't care what happened in your life. But I'm not. And I don't wish you well. I wish you 10x the pain that you caused me and every single one of the girls before me.

4th of July

Family arguments. No plans. Overall shitstorm. Annoyed. Upset. Confused.

I don't understand today at all. Every year the 4th of July has tended to be a negative experience for me. The last time I had a good 4th was when I was a kid. And we had a big yard that my Dad would shoot fireworks off in. It was perfect. Especially those little snap things that all of us kids would use. Put on the song Tequila and I was literally living the Sandlot life.

Things are just different now. Two years ago I was laying in the arms of the boy that I loved while watching the fireworks. Last year I was crying over him at the same place. It's interesting to see how much life has changed.

I don't like where I am right now. I hate it. Without sounding completely emo- life has been kind of depressing. Can I be vulnerable with you blog? I miss being in a relationship. I miss the person I was in a relationship with. Not the shitty way he treated me, but the first 4 months. I was the happiest I've ever been.

I don't feel as healthy as I was. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Everything is just kind of blurred. I keep wondering about my past. Become utterly heartbroken again. And then there's the worries about my future.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

I just want to love. And be loved back. And have that incredible hope that I once did for things to come. Is it all lost?

These thoughts although sad are mine. However, I take comfort in the fact that in order to feel true happiness and joy you must first feel deep sadness.

My prince is somewhere out there's I deserve this love and happiness.

Greater Things Are Yet To Come

I have the hardest time getting things done. I used to be such a busy body. Now, life just seems to be moving slow in my mind, and fast on the outside. This online class that I'm in is going to kill me. It is supposed to be done, but you know me (yes blog I'm talking to you apparently), I can't get things done when they overwhelm me. 

Everything seems so messy in life right now, but I think that God is doing something beautiful on the inside of my family and I. These struggles are bringing us closer. They are shaping us and molding us. I've began to regain a sense of hope for things to come. I hope I carry this momentum till the end of the summer. 

Hanging out with Amanda was a blast. I missed her. Rooming with a complete stranger can always be a scary thing. For us however, it was a blessing. She is so good to me. One of my best friends. We always bring the lolz. (Did I just say that? I used to be funny... now I am full of Dad jokes). 

Good day today. Started with a beautiful storm, and ended with quality time with Dad. 

Onward to homework now! Show me the meaning of haste! 

P.S. I think its weird when you text someone and they don't respond. And then you see them online and using their phone. That's weird right? Yeah... I thought so.