Barf

There are some thoughts that just make me cringe to think about. Graduating college. My future job. The unknowns. But then there are other thoughts that seem to break me every time I think about them. Most of them have to do with my past. 

There are some relationships that seemed like the end of the world when things weren't working out. However, because they were from so long ago, the pain of those relationships has simmered, and in some cases has even been forgotten. A gift to me indeed. 

I'm not out of the water yet though. The past two years have been hard for many reasons. I've had my extreme lows and high highs. Losing relationships and gaining new ones. I can't even begin to describe the pain that I feel when I think about certain things. I guess that's the whole point of blogging about it all right? It helps me to sort it all out. There are days when I feel so strong, so empowered as a woman for the strides that I've made in getting over and beginning to forget these relationships. Then there are other days, when the memories manifest into ugly thoughts about myself and those people. Today is one of those days. 

No matter how many times I remind myself of truth, I seem to lose it in a matter of minutes. I spend long portions of my days obsessing and thinking about things that these negative thoughts and energy spill into my dreams. You know, those dreams that feel so incredibly real and when you wake up you're even more upset about things. 

Well here are my thoughts today. Laying them bare in hopes of releasing them and moving on.

I miss being in a relationship. 

I miss the person that I used to know.

I miss the laughs. 

I miss the kisses. 

I miss the enchanting bliss of it all. 

I hate you for how you hurt me.

I hate that you cut me so deep. 

I hate that you slapped me around.

I hate that you used me. 

I hate that you used the word "love" when you don't even know what it is. 

I hate that you led me on.

I hate that you called me beautiful and with the same mouth called me fat.

I hate that you told me the only thing I was to you was a rebound. 

I hate that you put me down and made me feel like my existence wasn't worthwhile.

I hate all the times you hung up on me instead of mending things.

I hate that I still think about you every day. 

I hate that you are still dating the girl you started dating a week after we broke up. So hurtful.

I hate that I planned a life with you in my head while you were planning your escape. 

I hate how selfish you are. 

I hate that you crawled your way into my thoughts and destroyed my self worth.

I hate that you will always have a part of me that I can never get back.

I hate that I've been replaced.

I hate that you compared me to other girls.

I hate that I haven't heard from you at all. 

I hate that you blamed me for things that were clearly your fault.

I hate that you told people you had nothing in Bourbonnais.

I hate how my life feels empty.

I hate that your life is seemingly great without me. You don't deserve that.

I hate that ever since you left, I have been stuck.

...When do these thoughts go away? Everyday I fight with myself debating whether or not to contact him. It's been a year since we've been apart. God I feel like a junior higher with these thoughts. Nothing has ever cut me as deep as this has. Was I really a bad person? Do you really hate me that much that you had to hurt me the way that you did? 

I just don't understand. I've been the one doing the healing the healthy way. Not going from boy to boy to boy. How can you live your life like that? It's like you don't know who you are. Your identity comes from whatever girl you are with. 

You make me want to barf. Legit throw up. The thought of you murders my soul. You are not a man. I wish I could be far enough away from this that I didn't care what happened in your life. But I'm not. And I don't wish you well. I wish you 10x the pain that you caused me and every single one of the girls before me.