4th of July

Family arguments. No plans. Overall shitstorm. Annoyed. Upset. Confused.

I don't understand today at all. Every year the 4th of July has tended to be a negative experience for me. The last time I had a good 4th was when I was a kid. And we had a big yard that my Dad would shoot fireworks off in. It was perfect. Especially those little snap things that all of us kids would use. Put on the song Tequila and I was literally living the Sandlot life.

Things are just different now. Two years ago I was laying in the arms of the boy that I loved while watching the fireworks. Last year I was crying over him at the same place. It's interesting to see how much life has changed.

I don't like where I am right now. I hate it. Without sounding completely emo- life has been kind of depressing. Can I be vulnerable with you blog? I miss being in a relationship. I miss the person I was in a relationship with. Not the shitty way he treated me, but the first 4 months. I was the happiest I've ever been.

I don't feel as healthy as I was. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Everything is just kind of blurred. I keep wondering about my past. Become utterly heartbroken again. And then there's the worries about my future.

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

I just want to love. And be loved back. And have that incredible hope that I once did for things to come. Is it all lost?

These thoughts although sad are mine. However, I take comfort in the fact that in order to feel true happiness and joy you must first feel deep sadness.

My prince is somewhere out there's I deserve this love and happiness.